I don't normally blog via text, but I heard something today I just had to share. While on hold with the cable company the voice message was attempting to sell me on a movie by describing Ghosts of Girlfriends Past as "A Christmas Carrol + a traditional romantic comedy + Matthew McConaughey = 2 hours of movie magic"! I almost threw up from laughing so hard.

Love Happens - So Does Hate

The nice thing about being an independent film critic is that you aren't working for any entity. Therefore you aren't on a schedule, you don't have deadlines to meet, and generally you get to pick the movies you watch. You don't have to go see anything that you think is going to suck. I love it that I get to choose what films I will see and which ones to pass on.

Occasionally, however, I get suckered into seeing something I have no interest in. This almost happened this weekend. I had to fend my children off. They were pressuring me to take them to see "Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs". Instead I showed them the trailers for "Fantastic Mr Fox" and "Where the Wild Things Are" and I told them I would take them to see both those movies on opening night. Both are movies I am very interested anyways. Win - Win.

This was not the case last weekend. I fought valiantly but lost out to a female friend of mine who wanted to take me (her treat) to go see the new Jenifer Aniston / Arron Eckheart vehicle Love Happens. It was her birthday and my present to her was my presence at her side during the film.

Normally this is the point in my review where I review the critics take on the film and give you my review on their critique. This week I am in aggreeance with almost all the critics. So I am going to cheat and just give you my rundown on the film.

It is set in Seattle. How do I know this you ask? Because 20 minutes of the movie was dedicated to images of The Space Needle and QWest field. Great movies make the setting a living, breathing character. Bad movies rely on photos of recognizable landmarks in order to stir up an emotional connection with its audience.

As I said earlier, the movie stars Aniston and Eckheart. Both of whom have acting talent. Not that it was on display in this sappy, uneven, mess of a movie. There is absolutely no chemistry between them throughout the entire film. I blame new comer director Brandon Camp for this. The story is a mess of confusion and depends on every romantic comedy clique there is. I blame the writer for this. Who is also Brandon Camp. There was actually a "slow clap" at the revelation moment in the movie. A f-ing slow clap. This movie was one long "slow clap".

The music was about as subtle as a 2X4 to the face. There were moments where I was supposed to feel conflicted about a decision that was being made. How do I know? Because the music would swell to a fevered, apex. At just the moment boy looses girl I was supposed to be longing for them to "make it work". How do I know? The music would crescendo with violins and oboes trying as hard as they could to make this crazy couple get together.

This was also the whitest movie I have seen in a while. The only actors of color were cab drivers, busboys, hangs outs at a hookah bar. That's right, there is a scene in a hookah bar. Apparently these squares occasionally like to let their hair down and get "funky".

I apologize for all the "quotes" in this review, but I haven't found a way to describe this movie without paraphrasing my sarcasm. How else is one supposed to discuss a movie with characters like: The Quirky Assistant, The Flannel Clad Butch Contractor with A Soft Spot, The Over-The-Top A-Hole Agent (with a soft spot), A Former Marine Step Father, and A Parrot?

Everything about this movie didn't work. There wasn't one genuine emotion on display. All in all though, it was a good thing I attended the movie with my friend. Someone needed to wake her up during the closing credits.

Extract - Office Space for 2009?

In Mike Judge's new film Extract, Jason Bateman plays the owner of a small flavor extract manufacturing plant. He is accompanied by JK Simmons as a disconcerting foreman, Mila Kunis as a super sexy small time con artist, Ben Affleck as a stoner bartender, and Kiresten Wiig as his bored housewife. This is easily the biggest name cast of any Judge film to date. While occasionally all the characters weren't given enough to do, or didn't fully envelope the roles, Extract is a success. This is mainly due to Judge's skill in writing parts for blue collar workers without coming off demeaning or judgemental (no pun intended).

This point of view does not coincide with Owen Gleiberman from Entertainment Weekly. Now I will say of the two main film reviewers at EW, I tend to agree with Mr. Gleiberman more than the other. With a 5 paragraph review of Extract Mr. Gleiberman dedicates the final 2 paragraphs to a different movie all together. Robert Siegel's Big Fan. Which he claims is the better movie. Owen spends the first paragraph of his review mostly quoting Thoreau, and again comparing the two movies. Then he opens his 3rd paragraph complaining of the banality of the title "Extract". He then goes on to criticize Judge's writing and his spontaneity as a filmmaker. I find it interesting that someone complaining of stale writing only gave a synopsis of the plot and about 3 sentences of actual review withing 5 paragraphs. Then when he did write his clever critique is read like this:

But didn't Judge realize that Extract, with its plastic setups and one-dimensional harpies, plays like Kevin Smith remaking a bad George Segal comedy from 1978? ~ Owen Gleiberman

Does anyone even know what this means? George Segal only released 1 movie in 1978. Who is killing all the Great Chefs of Europe? If Kevin Smith directed that, what would happen?

Mr. Gleiberman also made it a note to mention that Ben Affleck is the only one having fun. I found Ben Affleck to be painfully unfunny in virtually ever scene he was in. It is main ingredient I would have changed in the film. He was out acted by Gene Simmons of KISS fame as an obnoxious prosecuting attorney.

On a similar spectrum Peter Travers of Rolling Stone found Affleck to be...

A goofball delight hiding behind a beard. ~ Peter Travers

Maybe I am just missing it. One other scene both critics agreed on was where Affleck and Bateman smoke pot together. Both critics raved on this scene, and to me it almost brought all the comedic timing to a halt. But again, maybe weed jokes are wasted (again, no pun intended) on me. To Mr. Travers credit he did point out a few other positive points.

He (Judge) can anchor laughs to the rhythms of life not sitcom. ~ Peter Travers

Extract reminds us of how little a damn Hollywood gives for the workplace where most Americans spend their lives. ~ Peter Travers

As an employee of a factory for several years in many different positions, I have seen all of the one note characters Judge put in front of us and I can say that he hit the nail on the head on all of them. His research must have been as diligent as Aronofsky's was for The Wrestler. It reminded me very much of the 1941 classic Sullivan's Travels in which a director of fluff films wants to make a movie with a social conscience. So he dresses in hobo clothing and joins the lowest class only to learn the lesson of his life. I better stop now, I wouldn't want this review to ramble on too much about a second film.

Recast Contest

Are you tired of Hollywood remaking the movies of your childhood just for a quick buck? Haven't you had enough of them putting the latest teen hunk, or sultry vixen in place of the icons you grew up watching? (I'm talking to you Tim Burton!) If Hollywood is going to continue to remake every classic film, don't you wish you had a say in who could play the parts of your favorite characters?

Critics Critic is here to ease your pain. We are now offering our first contest. It will be a monthly Recasting Contest. Here's how it works:

I will post the name a classic film, and the major characters of the film. I will also provide the names of the actors that originally played those roles.

You will then email us at movierabble@gmail.com and provide us your recasting ideas.

I will review all the entries and the person will the most clever, original, entertaining, or just best placed actors/actresses will win a free movie ticket to a theater near them. They will also win the privilege of naming the next months Recasting Movie.

Lets get things started! The inaugural Recasting Movie is: The KARATE KID

Ralph Macchio - Daniel Larusso
Pat Morita - Mr. Miyagi
Elisabeth Shue - Ali Mills
William Zabka - Johhny Lawrence
Martin Kove - John Kreese

A typical response might be:

Zach Efron - Daniel-san
Jet Li - Mr. Miyagi
Anna Farris - Ali
Dane Cook - Johhny
John C. Riley - John Kreese

Be original! I encourage you to explain your picks.

If you think your picks can stand up to everyone else, then please share your picks with other followers and viewers of Critics Critic by posting them as comments to this message.

This contest is only available to public followers of Critics Critic, so be sure to click on the link and sign up! It only takes a minute and it is completely secure. This will be the first go around for this contest, and there might be a few bugs to work out, but we are excited to see what you come up with.

Again, the email address is movierabble@gmail.com. Have fun recasting.

Walk The Earth